Monday, March 23, 2015

I'm thinking I might take up drinking wine more. 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

I bought a camelia plant

I bought  a red one, then saw white buds and thought it was white, but this morning, on peering at the biggest bud, I see read showing through. Sooon! I'm excited. The last one I bought died quite fast; cold or slugs or my tender ministrations, who knows? But I hope to have garden magic of my own soon.

Christ, I marvel at all the people who lovingly record all their Moments of Joy and Beauty. I'd like to share a pic of my plant, but I don't know where the charger for my extremly crappy camera is. Defeated before I start. I was going to wait til I found it, but that may not happen for some time, til I'm looking for something else.




Tuesday, March 17, 2015

It's 1.30 on Saint Patrick's Day. No one is interested, in our house. I was hoping maybe for a walk together, to make use of the National Holiday somehow. Olivia woke me up this morning at 10 to ask if I could fix her duvet - it had got bunched up in the cover, so she froze all night, as every time she considered waking me to ask if I could fix it, she envisioned me shouting at her, so she didn't. I suppose this is the way life works, that you only remember the bad times, instead of all the times I got up and did things for her in the middle of the night, for the last 12 years. She made sure to tell me all about it though, as she does at every opportunity, all through every day. I try to listen, but in the end her unpleasantness always wears through my ability to hear what she's saying and improve, and try to mend. Why is this so hard for me? Why can't I grow up? I was shouted at all through my childhood and it's ruined me. And here I am... shouting at my children. And resenting them for it.

Axl was down with the idea of going for a walk yesterday, but he leaves for work in 2 hours and he's not up yet.

Olivia's locked in her room, where she stays, because when she comes downstairs, people are mean to her. For some reason.

Bodhi just wants to hang out and play, he doesn't want to go out - even though he enjoys himself every time he does. A small mercy is that Olivia is not complaining about the noise he's making.

I am cleaning. No, clearing. Clutter begone. I'm starting in my room, as I suspect that will affect my head the most and make it easier to do the rest of the house. Slowly. Bit by bit. It's not fair to live like this with a child with sensory issues. So. Bit by Bit.

I feel like I'm standing on a battlefield where the battle I'm meant to be fighting was lost long, long ago.




Sunday, March 15, 2015

I just wrote a whiny post, full of shame and self pity, realised there was no way I could post it, and left it in drafts instead. Then I opened facebook and saw this, so I'll post it instead.

http://findingjoy.net/dear-mom-you-are-stronger-than-you-think/

Saturday, March 14, 2015

things-I-need post

A new mouthguard. Proper one to stop jaw moving, will cost about €600

Wisdom teeth out. The bottom ones. That need anaesthetic and a dental surgeon... €600-700

Fake hair to cover up my balded spots. Yeah, I can't afford this luxury, must just live with the shame.

A new upstairs shower - we have a small electric one upstairs, but it's ancient and runs either totally cold or totally hot. I need it so Olivia can wash in it - she'll only have baths and her hair is butt length. I need a shower head for her. She won't use the downstairs shower. €150?

One of these. You can giggle but it could cure some ... problems. €135. They sell you plans to build your own, but I am not handy. Even if I got as far as buying the wood it would sit around for a year and a half. And then get thrown away. I bought a plant about 4 months ago I haven't even planted yet. Cos I have to dig a hole. And the spade is in the shed. And the shed is surrounded by a mountain of crap made up of things I bought and which eventually got thrown away...

A mattress for Olivia, one that will fit her oddly shaped Ikea bed. And that she'll be comfortable on... hahahhahahaha. She sleeps on the floor now. But it's better than the sitting room, where she's been for the last 2 years. All the time...

House insulation. Will solve the damp problem and save on our exorbitant heating. Two and a half grand. Mhmm.

Oh yes, a new car. I've inroaded into the car money a bit. So I have to try and put that back.

Still would like a laptop. This computer is going to die very soon.

Supplements, supplements.  Counselling. Health food. Massages. Osteopathy. Dentistry. A mole check. Swimming. A manicure and a pedicure.

Retraining and a real job that pays enough for me to live on. That's what.



cute t-shirts, frustrating advertising


    • Jo And bán dearg (pink) is the only colour for girls...

      • Tshirt co no, there's red, candy pink and electric blue too.
        • Jo I'd love to see you put the boys in the pink ones and the girls in the green, though.


    • Do you ever feel like someone just isn't getting what you're saying? I feel like that a lot. 
    • I know I'm being boring, taking people to task for things they don't consider remotely important. These are cute t-shirts, it's nice to see Irish being promoted round Patrick's day, all these things are true. It's great the t-shirts are ... oh no, wait, they're not unisex. Short sleeves for girls, long sleeves for boys. Gotta reveal the flesh. 

  • I read an article by wonder woman Emer O'Toole the other day, on the things being a feminist has ruined for her. I really sympathise. Feminism, food knowledge, activism of any kind, and god knows, English teaching has ruined reading for me, badly proofed or edited work is growing more like aluminum on my teeth by the day. Yeah, awareness makes you a killjoy. I'm being a killjoy. But... for fuck's sake. 
That is all. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

my dignity is at an all time low

Getting dressed this morning, I stabbed myself on the safety pin that had previously held my skirt more tightly closed. I don't actually need it right now, it seems.

Then, in class, I ran back upstairs to get my pen box, came back down, went back to teaching, and glanced down, realised I was standing in front of my class with my vest top half way down one boob. I had a bra on -  a black lacy one - but still. Fourteen people, four of them new students who had only just met me, one of them an 18 year old kid from Saudi Arabia... and me and my boob. Nobody told me! I could have taught the whole class that way!

I was struck by the awful thought that my boob may be the first one he's ever seen. Poor child. I couldn't look at him, but I did peep over between my fingers to see him grinning from ear to ear, and he didn't faint or stone me or anything, so I can only assume he's here to sow his oats and his religious sensibilities are taking a back seat.

Sheesh.

I'm still waiting for the third thing to befall me. 

Saturday, March 7, 2015

blessings

I am going through Asperger parent hell at the moment. I won't even go in to it, but due to sensory issues, my daughter is currently starving herself to death. We're on day 7 of no food no liquid now, bar Thursday when I got some soda and milkshake into her. 

On the plus side, when I went into town to buy a remedy for her, I met a lovely woman whose mother has Asperger's and she has spent her life, from far too early an age, trying to deal with it. The mind boggles. 
Anyway, she talked to me for ages, gave me advice, understanding, recommendations and her phone number. She only works two days a week there, and was just back from lunch when I rolled in (far later than I'd intended). It was ... very nice. 

I just saw my friend's face book page - they saw an otter (a rare event, I've never seen one), out on a walk, while her daughter was in full on Asperger's meltdown mode. The otter was a delight and a distraction, she said. A godsend. Possibly similar to the one I had today when I met the woman in the health food shop. One of her friends responded 'you're blessed!'. 

Really? The internet is full of rage at the moment at the terrible parents who are afraid of their children developing autism, and how wonderful Autistic kids are, how wrong we are to demonise it. I think of my daughter upstairs, having screaming hysterics over the issue of having just one sip of water, hating me for trying to keep her hydrated and alive. Of how difficult it can be to just go for a walk with your family. I don't she was blessed. I think she was compensated. Briefly. 

Sunday, March 1, 2015

can't stop watching telly

I am so greedy for fiction. I'm a compulsive devourer of stories. My poor neglected children - once I have a book to read or god help me, a series to watch, I can't stop til they're over. And then my appetite is peaked for something new.

I've spent the weekend watching Arrow, I'm into series 2 now and reluctant to stop. I came home on Friday, the kids had friends over, and I retired to bed with Aldi chocolate brownie icecream and Bodhi's laptop and watched and watched. I love it. I'ts not going to hurt me like The Time Traveller's Wife did (sob, still not ok) and it's funny, and cute and full of musclebound men with their shirts off. Often wet. There is fighting and comic book melodrama (sometimes cringy, but hey, better than gut wrenching trauma, non?). There are mysteries and secret identities and a slowly revealed back story that's continuing nicely into series 2.

I wish I could be content with an episode a night, though.

I also wish one of these series would have strong main character that's female, a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it seems that's not to be. Oh wait, Marvel have one, Agent Carter, but I don't know if I can get that yet. I willlll, though. In the meantime I will enjoy the eye candy that is the Arrow, his chin ups and his cute understated facial reactions.



I don't understand why people don't like sci fi and fantasy. It's my balm. You poor realists out there. It's so nice to slip awaaaaaay into the welcoming arms of superhero drama.


Monday, February 23, 2015

manicure

I'm doing my nails. I have nails! Bodhi approves. He wanted some nail varnish a couple years ago when I was buying some. Blue, he chose, and it was very Dave Navarro on him altogether.

I asked him if he wanted some too. He said:

No. Though I do kind of like that dark blue crystal lightning one, cos that's what colour my eyes are, crystal lightening. Yours are kind of watery blue, like water, but mine are crystal lightning, aren't they?